Confusion

For many years I would use the wordconfusion confusion to describe the state of mind I was frequently in.  Then I began using the Twelve Steps as a blueprint for dealing with things that arose in my life and I realized the state that I called confusion was really me being in resistance to what I already knew.  Since then I have stopped using the word confusion.  When I am tempted to think I am “confused”, I ask myself, “What do I know that I am denying I know?”

A lot of times what I think is me being confused about a situation or what action to take is actually me struggling against time.  I may not yet have the information I need;  more may need to be revealed.  Alternatively, something may be in the process of shifting, either internally or externally, that will provide clarity about the situation or what “right” action is.  I am confused simply because I am fighting with the clear message of “wait”.  This recognition releases my mind from continuing to loop and loop as it tries to figure out the situation and come to a conclusion.  Sometimes the mind just needs to be given a explanation in order to stop looping.  Telling it, “It is not time to know yet” can be quite liberating.

For example, I live in Phoenix, yet, I prefer the Bay Area.  I could be “confused” about this predicament or I could be “confused” about why I am here and why I am not actively trying to move back home.  Instead, I am aware that my desire to be in the Bay Area is “action” enough to create that possibility.  Right now nothing else is required of me.

Less frequently I am confused because I know what action to take and do not want to.  Perhaps I am “confused” about a relationship.  It could mean that the relationship really doesn’t work for me and I am trying to pretend it does in order to avoid what I have concluded will occur if I take appropriate action.  I say, “I am confused about what to do.”  Which is a lie.  It is more like I am procrastinating or avoiding taking “right” action because of my judgments of what that action is or represents.

About twenty-five years ago I was in a relationship that was confusing.  I was confused about whether to go or stay.  Everyday I would debate the pros and cons and try to figure it out.  Finally I decided I would stay.  I decided I would put the energy into making it work.  I wanted a relationship with this person (who was the father of my daughter) and I committed myself to it.  Interestingly, within six months I was filing for divorce.  It wasn’t a “decision” I came to.  I just woke up one morning and it was simply the next right thing to do.  How freeing!

Freedom from confusion requires me to be aware of what is going on and move beyond judgment.  The above example shows that making a choice, even it if turns out to create a completely different outcome than expected, breaks the energy drain of looping.  The key point to realize is that a choice is only good for one moment.  You can always choose something different in the next moment.  Choice creates possibilities.

Useful questions:

  • What is this?
  • Can I change this?
  • Can I change this now?
  • What is really possible here?
  • Does this work for me?
  • What can I choose that would change all of this?
  • What am I denying or pretending not to know?
  • What is beyond this?
  • Have you confused choice with commitment?

 

Dark Night of the Soul

Although the “dark night of the soul” depressed_manhas fallen into common usage, I would like to credit St. John of the Cross for his treatise by that title written in the 16th century.  Since we have been discussing the possibility of alternate views on “depression” his work seems quite relevant.

St. John of the Cross describes the “dark night” and extols its purpose and benefits to spiritual growth.  Notice the similarity of his descriptions to depression.

“The dark night puts the sensory and spiritual appetites to sleep, deadens them, and deprives them of the ability to find pleasure in anything.  It binds the imagination and impedes it from doing any good discursive work.”  (The Dark Night, Book 2, Chapter 16)

“…although it may seem to them that they are doing nothing and are wasting their time, and although it may appear to them that it is because of their weakness that they have no desire in that state to think of anything.  The truth is that what they will be doing is quite sufficient…”  (The Dark Night, Book 1, Chapter 11)

“Spiritual person’s suffer great trials, by reason not so much of the aridities which they suffer, as of the fear which they have of being lost on the road, thinking that all spiritual blessing is over for them and that they have been abandoned* since they find no help or pleasure  in good things.”  (The Dark Night, Book 1, Chapter 10)

For someone on a spiritual path that thinks themselves “depressed” I highly recommend, The Collected Works of St. John of the Cross.This work includes The Dark Night of the Soul and The Ascent of Mount Carmel where he begins his discussion of the dark night.  He divides the dark night into three phases:  the active night of the senses, the passive night of the senses and the passive night of the spirit.

The active night is where we are actively turning from things that provided us with “empty calories”.  It is where we decide that twelve hours of television a day may be entertaining, but it doesn’t really satisfy us.  Or perhaps we decide that while certain foods taste good, they ultimately make us sluggish or contribute to ill health.  In this way we “actively” enter a dark night of our senses.  We are turning from simple sensual pleasures and looking for more inner meaning.

“We are using the expression “night” to signify a deprival of the gratification of the soul’s appetites in all things.” (The Ascent of Mount Carmel, Book 1, Chapter 3)

Here he refers to “things” meaning “worldly” things in contrast to ultimate reality.  He further explains that it is a dark night because turning from worldly things is a dark night for our senses, relying on faith is a dark night for our intellect, and reaching enlightenment is a dark night to the soul in this life.

However, we can only get so far with that process.  To get to enlightenment, St John says we need to enter a passive process by which unseen forces (God) begins to change us. The passive process is best described as depression.  Before we were actively turning from superficial pleasures and now we inherently find no pleasure in anything.  This includes not only worldly things, but our spiritual practice as well.

“The soul suffers great pain and grief, since there is added to all this the fact that it finds no consolation or support in any instruction or spiritual master.” (The Dark Night, Book 2, Chapter 7)

The Buddhist parallel is “purification”.  Purification is the process by which our “shit” arises, we watch it without reacting, and that is the end of it.  This process is facilitated by mindfulness based meditation.  St John advises:

“If those souls to whom this comes to pass knew how to be quiet at this time, and troubled not about performing any kind of action, whether it inward or outward, neither had any anxiety about doing anything, then they would delicately experience this inward refreshment in that ease and freedom from care.” (The Dark Night, Book 1, Chapter 9)

The dark night is completely individual and unpredictable.  It can be short, severe and brutal.  It can also last years and years.  Usually the longer courses of dark night are intermingled with times of illumination.  Hmmm… sounds a little bipolar.

So perhaps when you are thinking you might just be cursed with mental illness you can consider other possibilities:

“It will happen to individuals that while they are being conducted along a sublime path of dark contemplation and aridity, in which they feel lost and filled with darknesses, trials, conflicts, and temptations they will meet someone who will proclaim that all of this is due to melancholia, depression, temperament, or some hidden wickedness.” (The Ascent to Mount Carmel, Prologue, Section 4)

On that note, I will slip back into my night.  The effort that I applied to complete this post has been great and I am spent.  I now relax into the infinite repose that is the nature of ultimate reality and I can breath again.  Being is enough.

Want to read more St. John of the Cross?  Here is a post on contemplation.

* I replaced “God has abandoned them” with “they have been abandoned” for a more universal appeal.

Depression

Many years ago I described my child with depressionperiods of demotivation as depression.  Then I had the realization that these periods were connected to the arising and resolution of childhood trauma that I had repressed.  It was not that I was “depressed” it was more that my focus was turned inward to process events that I had not been capable of processing as a child.

The dictionary defines depression as the state of feeling sad.  This is the way the word is commonly used. However, it is possible to be clinically depressed and not be sad.  This was one of the reasons I stopped using the word to describe my demotivation.  I actually could be “depressed” and be happy.  The greatest sadness I felt was the result of resisting the slowed down state my body and being required.  It is a great disappointment to wake up one morning and no longer feel like doing any of the things that just the day before were exciting.

I remember, twenty years ago, calling a wise woman on just such a morning.  She said, “Well, you know the first thing to do when you are depressed…”

I answered, “No, I do not.  Tell me.”  And waited for her to give me the secret to happiness that I had been looking for.

She simply replied, “Be depressed.”

I was shocked by the simplicity and inherent truth of her statement.

Still today (in 2015) I continue to struggle to “be depressed”.   I often try to ignore it and do my day.  I tell myself that it will pass.  When I steam-roll ahead I find that my addictive cravings start up and become stronger and stronger.

There is a balance I have to find each time.  I have learned that completely vegging out makes me more depressed or at least doesn’t relieve my depression.  And while maintaining my basic internal arts practice when I am depressed can be extremely hard, it boosts my sense of well-being.  I may be depressed, but being able to take care of myself fortifies me.

An alternate definition for depression is “a serious medical condition in which a person feels very sad, hopeless, and unimportant and often is unable to live in a normal way”.  The diagnostic criteria for Major Depressive Disorder (DSM-IV) is:

  • Depressed mood or a loss of interest or pleasure in daily activities for more than two weeks.
  • Mood represents a change from the person’s baseline.
  • Impaired function: social, occupational, educational.
  • Specific symptoms, at least 5 of these 9, present nearly every day:

1. Depressed mood or irritable most of the day, nearly every day, as indicated by either subjective report (e.g., feels sad or empty) or observation made by others (e.g., appears tearful).
2. Decreased interest or pleasure in most activities, most of each day.
3. Significant weight change (5%) or change in appetite.
4. Change in sleep: Insomnia or hypersomnia.
5. Change in activity: Psychomotor agitation or retardation.
6. Fatigue or loss of energy.
7. Guilt/worthlessness: Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt
8. Concentration: diminished ability to think or concentrate, or more indecisiveness.
9. Thoughts of death or suicide, or has suicide plan.

If the symptoms are a result of or can be explained by another psychiatric disorder, the abuse of substances, another medical condition, or bereavement then care must be taken in determining if the “depression” can be classified as its own illness.

It would seem to me that the “qualifications” would eliminate all proper diagnoses of depression.  Processing trauma is considered another psychiatric disorder and bereavement, the state of grief over a loss, would pretty much sum up many people’s experience of life in this reality.  We can grieve the loss of a friends, pets, family, as well as, peace, dreams, opportunities.  Of course, such sadness is “okay” or “normal” as long as it is limited in duration.  But, what is it when one is barraged by a continuous stream of disappointments?

I guess the question should be, “Does labeling yourself as depressed create more freedom or less freedom for you?”  “If you are “depressed” do you have more possibilities or less?”  I have found that the term depression is like a bottomless pit.  I have more possibilities when I avoid labels and identify what is true in any one moment.  Some of the best questions to ask are:

  • What is right about this that I am not getting?
  • Is there something that I am denying or pretending not to know?
  • How does this state serve me?
  • How can I take advantage of this?
  • What can I choose that will create a completely different reality?
  • What else is possible?®
  • What is beyond this?
  • If I wasn’t doing this what could I be doing?

 

CREDITS
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REFERENCES
Diagnostic criteria:  http://www.psnpaloalto.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/Depression-Diagnostic-Criteria-and-Severity-Rating.pdf