Manipulation has always been an interesting concept to me.   Twenty-four years ago I was accused by my partner as being unable to manipulate.  He felt that manipulation was an important relationship skill that could lubricate the interactions between partners.  Since that time I have thought a lot about the idea.

What I realized was that behind my inability to manipulate was the fear of influencing people.  I acknowledged that I would hide my hurt, sadness and pain in order to not have people attend to me.  I knew that sharing those emotions changed people and they often would act to take care of me.  I was so opposed to manipulating and/or influencing people that I would try to suppress my normal reactions that I knew would provoke a response in them.  For instance, many people are scared of angry people or of disappointing people and will do things they do not really want to do in order to avoid creating anger or disappointment in another.  My response to this was to suppress my anger and/or disappointment.

The irony is that ultimately my fear of manipulation made me a manipulator.  If I am pretending to be something that I am not in order to create a specific reaction in another person, then I am manipulating.  It seemed I could not win.  To hide my hurt was to manipulate people into not caring for me.  To show my hurt would also manipulate them.

The bottom line was that no matter what I did I was having influence over people.  I also became aware of how uncomfortable I was with my ability to indirectly influence people.  I wanted to completely hide.

One of the things I aspire to is to be able to relax with what is.  This includes accepting that my actions and thoughts influence others.  What would it take for me to be okay with my awareness of how they are reacting to me?  What would it take to let go of care-taking others by repressing, suppressing or changing me?

After many years of having my meditative practice be my primary focus I moved to expand myself and TESLI after coming out of retreat in August.  I invested in a marketing consultant, email marketing, and booths at expos.  I chose one workshop, “Natural Approaches to Women’s Health” to promote.  I prepared for a class of twenty people, but the consultant thought ten was a more realistic number. I even wrote a book to accompany the workshop and set-up to live-stream the class.

The results of my efforts completely amazed me. Despite a lot of interest, not one person signed up.  This was in October and resulted in spinning me into shock.

How did I create that result?  What was the take-home message?  It has been hard to shake the feeling that either I am not attractive or that people are not interested in what I have to offer and what I find valuable.  One other thought lingers.  I choose the topic from my wide repertoire of expertise based on what I thought would be the most valuable to the widest group of people.  I had initially wanted to promote Access Consciousness Bars, but the consultant and I finally decided on the Women’s Health workshop.  Perhaps the universe would only bring me people if I did not compromise?

Since I could easily argue for many different reasons for the apparent “failure”, I have opted to refrain from figuring it out.  Instead my focus is on being with what is and moving forward.

The being with what is is simple.  Mainly it is being in shock with a sense of inertia.  I am directionlessness in terms of right livelihood, despite the fact that I know that all my activities are in alignment with who I truly be.  I have heard, “do what you love and the money will follow”.  Indeed, I’ve been following that premise for two decades.  Surprisingly it works.  The money has flowed to me in adequate amounts.  However, I have more to offer and would like to make a bigger impact on the lives of people and the planet.  Perhaps I have not found the right marketing angle, proper timing for offering a class, or a group of truly like minded people.

Today I feel I may be the only one that values what I value.  This is up today because someone suggested that I am not attractive to people because I am not passionate about the things I promote or value.  This begs the question, “What is passion?”  or “What does passion look like?”

I get up every morning and do a longevity practice.  Am I passionate about the practice?  The definitions of passion include:

• a strong feeling of enthusiasm or excitement for something or about doing something
• intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction
• a strong liking or desire for or devotion to some activity, object, or concept

I cannot say I have a strong feeling of enthusiasm or excitement about the practice.  I usually have no emotional response to the practice at all.  Indeed, despite spending 30-40 minutes each day on the practice, having amazing things occur during the practice, knowing others (personally) that have used the practice to stop eating food and live on universal energy, I cannot claim a conviction about the universal value of the practice.  Yet, I am completely devoted to the activity and actually believe it has universal value.

This is true of many of the things I do in my life.  No strong feeling or conviction that I radiate outward.  I choose simple living, sharing of my story, a sustainable lifestyle, activities and foods that promote optimal health, spiritual practice designed to lead to enlightenment, and work that supports my mission.  I trust that other people can know what is best for them.  Yet, I see people make choices that do not support them.  Perhaps if I was “passionate” I would try to persuade them to choose what I find valuable.  But holding to an absolute is just not my way.