Category Archives: Spirituality

Harbor Cafe

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I worked at the Harbor Cafe on 7th avenue in Santa Cruz when I was an undergraduate.  I was first hired when I was seventeen and quit just before I graduated from UCSC.  It was a great place to work; it suited my personality quite well.  I have a lot of fond memories.  I spent most of my time as a waitress, but also filled in as a short-order cook, dishwasher, and hostess.

During my time at the Harbor Cafe, we got a batch of custom mugs with the Harbor Cafe logo on them.  Although I don’t personally use coffee mugs, I kept a couple of them. Surprisingly enough they made every cut when I moved.  So here it was thirty years later and I still had that vintage pair of mugs.

I could have just donated them to a thrift store, but instead I decided that they were a nice memento.  I planned on dropping them off at the Harbor Cafe the next time I was in town.  I imagined that the new owners of the Cafe would be delighted to get them.

I didn’t know how invested I was in that drop-off until yesterday.  It was after hours, but my friend and host in Santa Cruz thought the Cafe was open for dinner now and since we were in the vicinity we could drop them off.  The Cafe had tried to stay open for dinner before, but that venture had always failed.  They were a famous breakfast spot and that was it.

When we swung by they were indeed closed, but the restaurant was packed with people for a wedding reception. I went in with my friend.  The manager had just left, but the woman I approached pointed to one of the gentlemen manning the bar as a substitute.

I wasn’t really liking the situation, I wanted to give them to the manager or owner, but the whole point was to get rid of the mugs, right?  I walked over to the bar and after waiting a few minutes handed the young man the two mugs.  I explained that they were thirty years old – I had gotten them when I worked at the place in the 1980’s.  He seemed pleased to receive them.

The exchange only took a minute.  Then I was out the door and walking back to the car.  I immediately felt remorse.  Did he understand they weren’t for him, but the owner.  Did he even hear what I said and would he remember it?  Should I have left my card in case the owner had any questions.

I considered going back, but I recognized that my discomfort was based on attachment. Part of me was really clear that they were just two mugs that I was unloading.  However, it took me until the next day to realize that another part of me was attached, not to the mugs, but to the connection I was anticipating with the owner.  I had expected at least a moment of acknowledgement and appreciation.  Since I never met the owner, and wasn’t even sure if the man I gave the mugs to knew they were for her and not him, I was very dissatisfied with the interaction.

In fact, I was mad.  I watched as my anger rose.  I kept reminding myself that it was just anger.  It was just a habitual reaction.  I didn’t try to repress it, but I didn’t give it any fuel either.

When I sat down to meditate the next morning, I had a good opportunity to watch the part of me that was angry.  I was mad at my friend for taking me there after hours.  I was mad that I didn’t decide to come back when I learned the manager was not there.  I was mad that I didn’t give them to the woman I first talked to – since she was more available than the bar workers.  My anger was focused on blaming everyone I could for the situation.

At one point in my meditation I was so furious I wanted to jump up and call the Cafe and ask the manager if she had gotten the mugs.  That would certainly “fix” the problem.  I’d get my connection and acknowledgement I craved.

However, I was fascinated with my rage.  I kept investigating.  Certainly this ran deeper than two mugs.  I was angry that I couldn’t control the outcome.  I couldn’t control the interaction.  My fury was over not being in control.  Yes, that is an anger that runs very deep.

This realization of what I was so angry about, then lead to an arising of sadness.  I was still angry, but I could feel the sadness underneath.  It is sad not to be able to control things.  It was sad to not be able to make things right, by my vision of right.  I acknowledged this to myself.

I asked myself if there was anything I could do to make it right.  I decided I didn’t really want to call the manager.  Indeed, my anger of the situation was dissipating.  I could imagine the person I gave the mugs to thinking they were for him.  I could imagine him taking them home, deciding they were ugly and throwing them away.  As I write this now, less than 24 hours after the fact, there is no longer any charge at all.  It is amazing how quick and fierce anger can arise and how quick it can dissipate.

I think a lot of times we get stuck on the story and loop around.  We think that an external event is what creates our anger and our sadness.  The truth is external events are just triggers for a conditioned response to a familiar situation.  If we can dig a little deeper, we can connect with the cause.  When we connect with the cause and clear the trigger the emotions clear and we know peace.

For me acknowledging what my issue was desire to control and accepting that I cannot control many situations resolved my tension.  As Master Shantideva says,

If there is something you can do about it, why get upset?

If there is nothing you can do about it, why get upset?

 

 

Lite-Brite

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On May 5th, 2015 there is a mysterious notation at the end of my entry in my journal.  It is two pictures of dots with the words:  “lite bright, patterns and mandala” written next to them.  This would be insignificant if it wasn’t for a realization I had yesterday.

I have been doing some significant energy work with my friend Marvin since April.  He works with a number of interesting beings and one of them is named Metatron.  I immediately felt an affinity with this Metatron as soon as I heard his name.  Metatron just sounds like someone that would be cool.  Besides he also likes to joke around, and I appreciate any being that doesn’t take all this too seriously.

After my last session with Marvin, I decided to google Metatron to find out more.  I was surprised to learn he was an archangel.  (I decided to not hold it against him).  I also learned he was big on sacred geometry.  Ahhhh…. that is where the affinity is.  I really like colors and shapes.

Metatron goes around with an object called a Metatron cube.  This is the one I created over the last couple of days. Metatron cube It is an interesting pattern of thirteen circles laid out in a hexagon pattern. You can see the corners of the top of the cube formed by the uppermost three circles and the center circle. There is also a cube within the cube. And there is a hexagon within the hexagon.  And lots of triangles, too.

What I realized is that when I was a lite-britechild I would go into a windowless bathroom and make designs on the Lite-Brite.  (Remember those?) The patterns I made used circles to create hexagons.  That is all I would do is make the hexagons.  They also look like flowers.

Today, using an interactive online version I was able to create the same Megatron’s cube as my picture – in miniature, of course, and minus all the lines. See the green and purple figure on the left of the Lite-Brite screen.

What is trippy, is that I meet Metatron in April and in early May I write pictures with dots in my journal (trying to remember the exact configuration of the Lite-Brite designs) and then a few weeks later I am creating a Metatron’s cube and, without remembering that I was thinking about Lite-Brite earlier in the month, come to the conclusion that I was making Metatro’s cubes as a child when playing with the Lite-Brite.

 

Destiny? Divine Guidance?

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I was reflecting this morning on how I ended up here in Phoenix.  The decision was made while lying under a pine tree at a park on Crab Cove in Alameda.  I was chanting the Padmasambhava Mantra (although I didn’t know it had a name back then) when there was a glorious shift in energy.  In that moment I understood I had to return to Arizona to pursue a closer relationship with The Asian Classics Institute.  The realization was a combination of what occurred in that moment along with supporting evidence from dreams I’d been having.  Back in those days I called this divine guidance.

These days, I don ‘t look at it the same way.  Last year I had an experience that made me realize what I was calling divine guidance was simply different aspects of my mind.  And those aspects of mind do not always have my highest good in mind.  This wasn’t an intellectual discovery, but a realization of truth.  Realizations are hard to convey to others, since people just start to think about them.

For instance, many of us have heard the fact that solid matter is really just 99% space.  This means that it isn’t really as “solid” as we think.  Now, if I have the realization that solid matter is mostly space, I would be able to walk through walls.  Do you see the difference?  A realization, in the way I am talking about it, changes things.  An idea or understanding doesn’t have that power.  If I tell someone I have realized that matter is mostly space they will want to talk about it (or they won’t be really interested).  Yet, what I’m trying to convey is that I can walk through walls.

What I realized last year was that a fundamental aspect of my spiritual path does not exist.  There is no spirit in my spirit-driven life.  My intuition is clouded by karmic firings of my brain.  When I am attracted to something it could very well be because I have unresolved issues.  This realization rocked my boat a little, but it is indeed one step closer to freedom.

I’ve been seeing this a lot in my consulting practice lately.  People come in with mental afflictions they want relief from.  The mental afflictions appear to be in reaction to their relationships with parents, friends, partners or children.  When I start digging around they claim past life connections with the people involved in these situations.  People often have vows, oaths, and/or debts that they don’t realize.  It is these that are actually driving their reactions and actions.  Once they are released from these obligations, they are free to be in the present with these people.  Fears, anger, and dysfunctional patters just fall away.

I am reminded of a story where the Buddha was doing this same kind of work with a young man.  My version of the story goes like this.  The young monk saw a young woman on the street and could not get her out of his mind.  He goes to the Buddha to be released from his monk vows so he can pursue her.  The urge is so strong, he is sure it is his destiny.

The Buddha show the young man two of his past lives.  In one he is a deer and because of his attraction to this female he is killed by a hunter.  In the other tale he is a fish and because he blindly follows her he ends up in a fisherman’s net while she escapes.  He tells him this is just two of many lives he has ended up dead because he has pursued this same woman.  His desire is not destiny, but just a continuation of the same habitual pattern.

If I was doing ThetaHealing with this monk, I might check to see if he has the vow or belief that he has to give his life for this woman.  He might have made this vow in a past life in a moment of extreme passion, and now it is showing up in a convoluted manner.  If we remove the vow, he might find that the strong urge to be with her just drops away.  The Buddha’s approach is cognitive behavioral approach.  My approach is to cut away the root of the desire.

This is how it goes: someone comes to me with unusual fear regarding a loved one and the fear is telling them something bad is going to happen to their loved one and that they will “die” if this occurs.  Instead we find that fear is based on an unattainable goal that says “I must protect them”.  Once the belief is removed they experience peace.  They can then choose how to be in relationship to that person.  The little mental potential that has been driving their actions and emotions has been destroyed.

Next time you think, “This is my karma, my destiny, my fate, or the divine’s will for me.”  consider the possibility that you are being driven by some old habitual pattern.  Consider the questions:

  • What is for my highest good, given my current goals?
  • Could this be a habitual pattern or reaction motivated by my long dead past?
  • What could I be choosing if I didn’t choose this?
  • How did I create this?

 

Some urges do serve our purpose.  Only you can determine what is best for you.  The answers are within you.  However, even when you get an answer, it only is applicable for that moment.  Keep asking the questions in each moment and avoid locking yourself into a conclusion.