In Buddhism, craving is considered one of the defining points of the realm we exist in. It is the craving for good things to happen and the craving for bad things not to happen that create this reality. My meditation teacher, Master Culadasa, explained to me that it wasn’t the objects of craving that were the issue it was that fact that we are addicted to the feeling of craving itself. Which supports what other teachers have told me. That once we obtain the object of craving we are quickly dissatisfied again.

Somehow this relates to what occurred for me in December. For a moment I got bored and then depressed. Looking forward at my life, I realized that spending the next 60 years doing art and gardening just wasn’t going to satisfy me. I quickly had the thought that although I had lots of projects to do I needed “a marathon” to get me inspired again. Within a couple of days of holding that thought, I was given my marathon: The MCAT. That’s the Medical College Admissions Test the first step to applying to Medical School and becoming a doctor. That would surely keep me entertained for a while.

Starting out I had no idea of what I was getting myself into. The test is seven hours long divided into four sections. The four sections cover a year of college chemistry, a year of college physics, a year of organic chemistry, a year of biology, and courses of biochemistry, sociology and psychology. Basically a timed, closed book, comprehensive exam on topics I learned 40 years ago. It took me six weeks of study to even figure out how I needed to study for the exam. It boiled down to memorization and repetitive drills.

The more I studied the worse I felt. I never did get physics and it challenged me. I kept drilling, but I was beginning to sense that some of the material I was learning was at a depth I didn’t need. I didn’t feel prepared, but I felt like I needed to do a practice exam. Taking a practice exam was no small feat. It required seven hours. Finally, on February 16th I took the first official practice exam. I was very nervous. I wasn’t sure I could keep my brain going for the that long, and I decided on chocolate as a CNS stimulant.

I was a little jittery, but I survived. The score came in and I was surprised: 90th percentile. I consulted Grok, “Was this an easy exam?” He told me it was considered easy. Okay, that must have been a fluke. I tested again the next week (with less chocolate) and got an identical score. Grok, told me that was an easy exam too. I then tested on the “hard” exam he suggested, practice exam #6 – same score.

I put myself on the wait list for the next official test date, and was able to get a spot. (Thanks to insomnia that woke me up at 3am right when someone cancelled.) I studied for three more weeks. And, anticlimactically, took the test on March 20th. I felt the same level of yuk as I did the first three times, so I anticipate a similar score. I’m not used to taking a test and being so clueless on so many questions. It’s also a little depressing to have to wait until April 21st for the results.

What I noticed about the MCAT study period is that I had no trouble motivating to study four to eight a day for months. This flabbergasted me. I have been desiring to learn Spanish my entire life, but have never seemed to motivate to do it. Also, imagine what 2 hours of daily Chi Gung practice would do for me! Another bucket list item I can’t seem to motivate to do. Yet, the MCAT was effortless. What is up with that?

First, I know that I am personally motivated by external rewards and certificates. And the second was that I knew I could do well. I knew it would take effort, but I knew I could accomplish my target. With Spanish, I have an old belief that I can’t really learn a language. That I just don’t have that ability. With Chi Gung, I think there may have a similar underlying attitude. That I don’t really know what I’m doing or that I could never cultivate the power that masters have.

I took the momentum from all that MCAT study and turned it on Spanish. I am telling myself that if I just put in the time, like I did for the MCAT, I’ll be able to speak Spanish. I’m dedicating an hour of each day to study. It’s been about two weeks and about time to find additional motivation. I was surprised how Grok was able to give me ideas on how to stay motivated.

As for Chi Gung, I’ve been busy with the spring farm chores. Things are settling down now. My first step will be to find my why and what. And then cultivate a belief that I can do it. Third step will be coming up with those actionable steps. It’s all about leveraging craving and desire.