Category Archives: Personal Growth

Personal Power

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I am at a loss to accurately describe the happenings of the last few weeks.  I feel a little like the tree bending in the wind. Pleasant and unpleasant things have occurred and yet I have been able to keep an attitude of gratitude towards it all and hold the curiosity inherent in the question, “How does this benefit me?”  I also been able to honor my gut reactions and know that they are not me and that I do not have to act based on impulse or propelled by my emotions.

The happenings?

First, one of my closest friends decided she no longer wanted to have any contact with me.  Then I found myself in a whirlwind of positive and empowering activity at the same time as I was fighting back the expansive energy of spring in hopes of more intense practice period.  I moved forward on a couple of projects that seemed complementary to my goals only to encounter some unforeseen breakdowns in communication blocking further movement in the intended directions.

spring in the garden Feb 2015

Apricots in bloom in front of proposed garden

For instance, I’ve begun volunteering at the women’s recovery house next door to mine. I am still establishing the program, but right now I take a couple hours twice a week to teach chi gung and do gardening.  I have been wanting this to happen for quite awhile and I am looking forward to the experience.  This morning I was informed that the garden project was being “shut down” because “corporate” found out about it and they have other plans for the space we were going to use.

My logical mind said, “Great, how does it get better than this?”, but my emotional body felt confused, hurt, rejected, sad, and a little frustrated.  Let’s consider the rejection reaction.  In the past, I might have dismissed that as me “taking it personally”.  Now, I know that I am incredibly sensitive and intuitive.  It very well may be a personal rejection.  Or it could just be the circumstances hit a sore spot.  The best part is that due to my awareness and clarity of mind, I get to decide how to take care of myself and how to react regardless of my emotional reaction.  I am not a slave to my emotions.  Feeling rejected is unpleasant, being rejected doesn’t have to be.  I have choices I never had before.

All this leaves me curious.  It seems like my positive shift brought me a greater sense of competence and personal power.  However, then, the back lash of my forward movement  tried to erode my self-efficacy.  Yet, I wonder if I created the back lash by fighting back the expansive energy.  Which then makes the back lash merely another demonstration of my power!  If not, it is an excellent reframe.

Dream Creation

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This morning I was riding my bike down an incline and picking up speed.  Then suddenly I realized I was about to fly off a building towards a second skyscraper.  I quickly grabbed a light post and me and the bike swung around to a stop.  When I looked back at the way I had been going to estimate the drop, the building was gone and I was looking at a beach.  With excitement I realized I was dreaming.

“Hmmmm… what do I want to do? ”

Many lucid dreamers like to fly, but I was not interested.  I decided a nice swim would be great.  As I moved into the water I “willed” my clothes off, but they wouldn’t disappear and instead dragged at me.  “Some kind of lucid dream, I cannot even get my clothes off.”

As I was leaving the water after my swim, I noticed the crowd of people on the beach and told myself, “Doesn’t matter that I am naked this is just a dream and I’m in control”.  I then asked myself, “What would you like to do next?”

Since I have been single for many years I decided a little “male action” would be nice.  I picked myself a man and went at it.  In the heat of it all I ended up thinking, “This is my dream, how can he have erectile dysfunction?”

Alas, my experience with being awake in my dreams is not much different than being awake in my life.  I know I am creating what is going on around me, but I still don’t have any control over it in the moment.

Read my earlier posts on Lucid Dreaming, The Man who Dreamt He was a Butterfly,  and Night Practice.

Goals

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I have had so many ideas that I have wanted to write about in the past month.  Despite how much pleasure I derive from writing, I have chosen to do other things that are not quite as fun – mainly homework. My greatest challenge is my cultural awareness class where I was asked to explore and embrace my “identity” which is in complete opposition to my spiritual goal of exposing my identity as a flimsy construct.  I had a little bit of an internal revolt when faced with the assignment.  Thank goodness I was able to soften and complete the task.

Right now one of my goals is to complete all my classwork for February by the end of January.  This means four more full days of homework.  Why would I do this?  Well, I have another goal of spending more time in practice.  Which is just an extension of my goal to become enlightened and know peace.  My plan is to dedicate February to more intensive practice, but I have already tripled my formal practice in anticipation of this.  I encourage everyone to simply double the time they are meditating and practicing internal arts and see what that does for them.

Setting a goal and keeping a goal is simply a matter of keeping cognizant of what you want in your life.  When I reviewed what I wanted in my life and what my activities were, I made the following changes:

  1. Dropped a day at the spa – I now work only two days there and am considering dropping it completely
  2. Decided to finish my associates degree in substance use disorders – this was an intuitive yes, but I can also see how it contributes to my own growth and my potential to help others
  3. Committed to 200,000 mantras for the year – half focused on removing obstacles and the other on the six perfections  (I already have 38,000 completed)
  4. Dropped weekly group at my house that was not contributing to my goals
  5. Committed to a new food plan that allows me more freedom, keeps me feeling great, and helps keep me aware of my addictive cravings
  6. Began setting things up so that I could have additional retreat time
  7. Limited social contacts and meaningless chatter
  8. Nurtured my home based clientele by obtaining new training, expanding my services, and creating space for new clientele
  9. Dropped recreational activities like movie watching
  10. Limited home improvement projects

 

I have some people imply that I should have more fun.  Hey, just because I refuse a social activity does not mean that I do not say yes to an activity that nourishes me and is alignment with my practice.  I had other people comment that I was too rigid, especially in regards to my food.  If an alcoholic adamantly says “No” to beer or a diabetic adamantly says “No” to sugar is that being too rigid?  Perhaps it is, but it also seems very self-serving.

Remember toNourishment

Thoughtfully consider what it is you wish to nourish;  thoughtfully consider what will best nourish it.

To thine ownself be true.

(Hexagram symbol for nourishment from the I Ching.)