I am at a loss to accurately describe the happenings of the last few weeks. I feel a little like the tree bending in the wind. Pleasant and unpleasant things have occurred and yet I have been able to keep an attitude of gratitude towards it all and hold the curiosity inherent in the question, “How does this benefit me?” I also been able to honor my gut reactions and know that they are not me and that I do not have to act based on impulse or propelled by my emotions.
First, one of my closest friends decided she no longer wanted to have any contact with me. Then I found myself in a whirlwind of positive and empowering activity at the same time as I was fighting back the expansive energy of spring in hopes of more intense practice period. I moved forward on a couple of projects that seemed complementary to my goals only to encounter some unforeseen breakdowns in communication blocking further movement in the intended directions.
For instance, I’ve begun volunteering at the women’s recovery house next door to mine. I am still establishing the program, but right now I take a couple hours twice a week to teach chi gung and do gardening. I have been wanting this to happen for quite awhile and I am looking forward to the experience. This morning I was informed that the garden project was being “shut down” because “corporate” found out about it and they have other plans for the space we were going to use.
My logical mind said, “Great, how does it get better than this?”, but my emotional body felt confused, hurt, rejected, sad, and a little frustrated. Let’s consider the rejection reaction. In the past, I might have dismissed that as me “taking it personally”. Now, I know that I am incredibly sensitive and intuitive. It very well may be a personal rejection. Or it could just be the circumstances hit a sore spot. The best part is that due to my awareness and clarity of mind, I get to decide how to take care of myself and how to react regardless of my emotional reaction. I am not a slave to my emotions. Feeling rejected is unpleasant, being rejected doesn’t have to be. I have choices I never had before.
All this leaves me curious. It seems like my positive shift brought me a greater sense of competence and personal power. However, then, the back lash of my forward movement tried to erode my self-efficacy. Yet, I wonder if I created the back lash by fighting back the expansive energy. Which then makes the back lash merely another demonstration of my power! If not, it is an excellent reframe.